


Hitball: The Musical

by silkskin



Series: Paranatural: The Musical [1]
Category: Paranatural (Webcomic)
Genre: Gen, its bullymagnet if you squint, musical AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-10 20:29:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10446756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silkskin/pseuds/silkskin
Summary: Retelling of the hitball arc, but everyone's singing and it's even more dramatic than it already was. Suzy has a blackmailing song. Johnny and Max have a theme. Jeff's monologue is now a villain number. Enjoy. (I'm sorry).





	

**Author's Note:**

> i posted this for bullymagnet week but i might as well post it here too. man i listened to high school musical on repeat for six hours for this so here we go. a lot of the lyrics are taken almost word for word from the actual comic (which is fun to read alongside), but i apologise in advance for their horrific cheesiness dhjskfdhsjk it's impossible to write musicals seriously and this is so so self-indulgent lmao
> 
> of course this is my first fic set me on fire i love pnat and musicals so much,,, i'm definitely making this a series watch me turn all my favourite scenes into musical numbers
> 
> this work is dedicated to the bullymagnet discord for actually making me get productive and write something for the first time

Max is expecting a huge trumpet fanfare to start what is apparently a high stakes middle-school dodgeball game, but instead all Coach Oop does is blow a small ‘toot’ on his whistle.

 

It still has everyone sprinting as fast as they can to get to the middle of the court, though. Max lingers back as Johnny and Isabel lunge for the balls, pulling off stunts no middle-schooler (or anyone for that matter) should be able to do. Someone’s already in the bleachers in the first two seconds.

 

Everyone’s taking this pretty damn seriously, Max realises. A ball comes spinning his way and he quickly side steps it. Well, at least dodging is his forte.

 

_Thump. Thump Thump._

 

Speaking about forte.

 

_Squeak thump._

Max should’ve seen this coming.

 

_Thump. Thump thump._

Sneakers hit the floor, and balls whiz past rhythmically. There’s a beat humming through the gym.

 

“Burnhounds.” Menacing whispers come from the other team.

 

“Shockodiles.” The response is immediate, perfectly in rhythm.

 

Max suppresses the urge to roll his eyes. Of course Mayview is dramatic enough to have a song for a middle-school dodgeball game. He feels the beat instinctively, feet slipping side to side in sync. Songs weren’t uncommon, and Max loved them as much as any other person, but they usually only started up when it came to something significant. He vaguely wonders if it’s just a well-known hitball theme… but no, hitball was only introduced today. He sighs. It’s probably just a Mayview thing. The drama never ends.

 

“Burnhounds!”

 

“Shockodiles!”

 

The chanting continues. Swung quavers and a shuffle-like beat, Max notes. He finds himself shouting along as the music reaches its peak.

 

_Thump. Thump thump._

 

“HITBALL!” The gym cries in unison. Max spoke too soon. Those were definitely trumpets.

 

He leaps to the side, dodging and twisting past the balls. Songs always push his movements along; it’s so much easier to step and move when there’s a beat driving you forward. Parkour too. He loves the drums that kick in whenever he pulls stunts. He yanks a ball from the ground and whips it forward in time with the beat. The melody surges inside him, and he’s buzzing with expectation.

 

Isabel starts up, and Max grins. Most people have a specific style or instrument their songs most occur in, and she’s perfect for this. Of course, she wouldn’t be singing if she wasn’t, but he’s still impressed.

 

“Hey Burnhounds, we’re gonna tear you asunder,

‘coz us Shockodiles are lightning and thunder.

Hey Burnhounds, get ready to stop drop and roll,

‘coz the flames you’re holding’ll be reduced to coal!”

 

Max watches as she dances her way across the court, singing all the way. At the end of her verse, she pelts the Golden Switch she’s holding directly towards Lisa, hitting her just as she’s distracted by Ed.

 

“Haha, yesss! We’re stacked.”

 

_Thump thump._

 

The chorus starts just as aggressively as the verse, and Max finds himself singing with the rest of the team as they taunt the other side, balls bouncing and stomps shaking the floor as the music roars at a peak.

 

“Get ready, oh, get ready for hitball,

Burnhounds vs. Shockodiles!”

 

Max feels the title drop resonate through him. Ah man, he can’t deny he’s having fun. Max hides a grin as Johnny’s verse springs up from the other side, responding to Isabel’s threats in perfect rhyme.

 

“Hey Shockodiles, hope you’re ready for this game,

‘coz you’ll need more than water to put out this flame.

Hey Shockodiles, you’re up for a treat,

‘coz us Burnhounds ain’t afraid to turn up the heat!”

 

He whips two balls out in sync, and Max grimaces as he watches both of them hit their mark. The other side cheers with an echo of _turn up, turn up the heat._ The chorus comes back in, and now both teams begin to sing the chorus, lines whipping back and forth as fast as the balls are. Somewhere in between the chorus and the next verse, Max hears the raspy voice of… was that kid _levitating_?

 

“Dag, sons! These burnhounds are wiggity wiggity worse than homework!”

 

You know what, he’s just gonna ignore that one. The music pauses just as the bridge comes in, and Max finds himself itching to sing. Oh man, he’s one of the main vocalists? The songs hadn’t stopped coming since he moved here, and he much preferred background vocals.

 

“Hey Matrix, try contributing! The game’s not called dodgeball!” Isabel shouts at him.

 

Oh good, it’s a private conversation. He sighs in relief. At least these parts usually play underneath the main song, where the rest of the singers are often oblivious.

 

“Stop deflecting!” Isabel roars.

 

A ball collides perfectly into the one he’s holding, ricocheting to the side.

 

Max deadpans. “But clearly that is an important part of the spor-”

 

Isabel shoves the ball into his face. The music quietens, and the beat disappears, something more lyrical starting up.

 

“Max, are we clear on what I said on the train?

I hope I didn’t mislead you, I mean, I’m trying to explain…”

 

Max baulks. Nope. He’s not talking about this now. Thankfully, the music complies and his lyrics quickly interrupt hers.

 

“Most ghosts really can’t-“

 

“Looks like someone needs me over there.” Max shouts awkwardly, edging his way out of the song. “I’m just gonna go,“

 

“HOW DID YOU KNOW??”

 

The music screeches to a halt as Max comes face to face with a terrifyingly delighted Suzy.

 

* * *

 

Oh my god, she has a blackmailing song.

 

Collin’s slumped shoulders tell him this isn’t just a one-off melody, it’s an actual honest-to-god theme. Max cannot believe his own eyes. Or ears. Jagged string lines bounce eerily off each other, dissonant and harsh. Suzy sings along delightedly, and Max has a sense of incoming doom as she rattles off high-pitched lines and exposition. He tries not to let the panicky music get to him.

 

“You know what that means, Max? Don’t hold your breath.” Suzy sings, music stopping just before it reaches the final note. Max is sweating. “It means jumping through a school bus is now punishable…”

 

Silence. Max is pretty sure he knows what’s coming.

 

“BY DEATH.” He was right.

 

“Suspension.” Collin interrupts. Max’s brain has zoned out, and he’s imagining all the horrible ways his dad’s gonna sacrifice him in if Max gets _suspended_.

 

“No, no! My Dad’ll _kill_ me…!”

 

Suzy lets out a cackle. “I’m always right in the end, see?”

 

The song, unfortunately, doesn’t end there.

 

“Now now, Max, it’s okay, don’t be so hyperbolic.

It’s not like anyone knows _you_ did it, I’m not that vitriolic.

No one has a clue, it’s just been rumours, don’t you see?

It’s not like anyone knows _you_ did it… Well. Nobody…”

 

Oh. Max hates everything. “but y-“

 

“But me!” Suzy’s smile holds six different layers of evil, and Max is ready to embrace death.

 

* * *

 

“I hate people like you!

And you, and you!!”

 

Max recoils as Nega-Jeff actually begins to sing. There’s something different about his voice too, an underlying tone that doesn’t sound right. The accompanying music is all wrong and twisted, not like Jeff at all. Something’s very wrong.

 

“Self-centered, without a scrap of ambition,

Warriors of whim, without proper cognition.

You’ve still yet to reach your brains’ higher functions!

Honestly. _What a waste of good violence_.”

 

Max watches as Johnny flinches back, and he can tell that particular line was in one of Johnny’s themes. He scowls. Low blow.

 

“Kindness without a code, cruelty that isn’t calculating,

can’t you see it serves no purpose, your stupidity is infuriating!

The true power of violence isn’t just to entertain,

I hope you’re ready to learn a lifelong lesson in pain!”

 

Isabel’s up to something in the background, and Max really hopes she can come up with something while this Jeff imposter is singing. He lights up as Isabel flings balls their way, hope rising within him. Until Johnny catches one and sends her to the bleachers. Ughhh.

 

* * *

 

Max smirks. Johnny was pretty selfless when it counted. I mean sure, dismissing his friends did leave the two of them stuck with Jeff, but Max wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

“Hey, don’t let Nega-Jeff get too deep under your skin, okay?” Max says. “Everything else aside, caring about your jerk friends isn’t a _flaw_. It’s your sole redeeming quality.”

 

Johnny chuckles, smiling. “Heh.”

 

Something swells inside Max, and it takes him a second to realise it’s the beginning of… a theme. Just an instrumental, apparently, but it still surprises him. He doesn’t even have a proper theme with the activity club yet, and yet the moment he’s alone with Johnny… Weird. Stagnant ostinatos, melody on the bass, and… was that the sound of clashing metal as the beat? Unconventional, but it worked. It fits perfectly, and Max already loves it. He can feel himself buzzing with anticipation for the showdown, comforted with the thought Johnny was by his side. He makes a face. Oh man, that was cheesy. Songs really brought every embarrassing thought to the forefront.

 

“Ready to win this, Johnny?” Max barks, spectral energy igniting on instinct.

 

Johnny grins, all teeth and resolve. “Let’s show Jeff what-“

 

“That’s not Jeff.”

 

The music halts abruptly as Cody shoves the Golden Switch into Johnny’s hands, face dark and angry. Thunder crackles between them, and Max instinctively steps back. Something about Cody’s posture screams danger.

 

“Punish him.”

 

_Thump. Thump thump._

Max’s eyes widen in realisation. A reprise. This was it then.

 

_Squeak thump._

 

Johnny sends him a look, face determined. Final showdown. The people on the bleachers begin to whisper softly.

 

_Thump. Thump thump._

 

“Burnhounds!”

 

“Shockodiles!”

 

Johnny jumps into the verse, lines reprised as Johnny lets out his anger, determined to bring Jeff down.

 

“Hey Shockodile, I hope you’re ready to burn,

you think I’m the one with a lesson to learn?

Hey Shockodile, if you think you can threaten my friends,

Johnny Jhonny’s gonna treat you to a nasty end.

 

Johnny punctuates this by punching his hand, teeth grinding. Meanwhile, Max’s brain is racing, trying to piece together a plan as fast as he can. The likelihood of actually hitting Jeff is low, but there’s no way they could catch one of his throws, unless… No, that’s too dangerous. He grits his teeth. Well, that’ll have to be the back-up plan if this doesn’t work. He vaguely registers Jeff singing, but ignores him, grabbing Johnny quickly and dragging him back.

 

“Grrr, all I need is a single ball,

Just one, and I can finish this farce,

What the- there’s none at all?

Why, Guerra, ever a thorn in my-“

 

“HEY, JEFF!!” Max interrupts, breaking up his verse. “HEADS UP!!!”

 

He sprints up, bringing back his arm and aiming…

 

“PSYCH!!”

 

… for the ball golem. Max honestly had no idea why she was still on the court.

 

It hits her perfectly, and the rest of the class cheer, music starting up again and launching into the chorus. The beat, with a lack of people on court, is picked up by the thumping of shoes and fists on the bleachers.

 

“Burnhounds vs. Shockodiles:Final showdown!”

 

“Not.” Jeff rises slowly, and Max tenses. He turns, and Max grimaces as he shows off the Golden Switch. Plan B, then. The background vocals are shocked into silence, and the music thumps silently as Jeff launches into his villain song again, this time with leitmotifs from Burnhounds vs. Shockodiles. Yikes, he really liked the sound of his own voice.

 

Max remains alert as Jeff walks along the court. The likelihood of him throwing the ball before his verse ends is low, but he watches anyway. Somewhere in the middle of it, Max perks up with incredulity, recognising the counterpoint. That was his and Johnny’s theme! Jeff hasn’t seemed to notice it, thankfully, and Max glares him down. It’s not over yet.

 

“Ha, you think I’d miss?

LET’S SEE HOW YOU LIKE THIS!”

Max grits his teeth.

 

“Johnny!!” He cries. Their theme breaks free from the harmony, playing high above everything, and overwhelming Jeff’s at the final note. He breaks into a smile. “Look up!”

 

The music pauses.

 

_Krak._

_Foom._

_Thwack._

_SNAP!_

 

The ball ricochets off his arm, arcing high over the court. He doesn’t need to look back to know Johnny caught it.

 

Max has a split-second to acknowledge darkly that the throw was in rhythm, before pain bursts on his left arm, and he tears up, hissing as he tries not to cry. This doesn’t work.

 

“RRRRGGGHHHHH!!” He groans, curling up on the ground. Flippity flippin’ flip! His arm is on fire. He didn’t think it’d be this bad if Dmitri had somehow survived it, but it was.

 

“WELL WHATRYA WAITIN’ FOR?!” Johnny shouts. “LET’S GET ‘IM!!”

 

“YEEEEAAAAAAAHHHH!” comes the cry, and the music starts again; a victory instrumental to accompany the cheers.

 

_Thump. Thump Thump._

 

Well, almost an instrumental. Lisa steps up unnoticed behind Jeff, pinning him with a vice-like grip.

 

“Hey Shockodile, here’s some advice:

In this school, you should really learn to think twice.

Hey Shockodile, don’t make this a trend,

There are scary people here you don’t want to offend.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> the probability of me composing a bullymagnet theme is extremely high, but the probability of me getting it done anytime soon is extremely low (i've wanted to do one for ages and have a lot of thoughts about it but school sucks so i don't have any time and i still have to finish my other fic lmao)
> 
> come yell at me about pnat and bullymagnet at my tumblr: kindlespark.tumblr.com, or my twitter @kindlespark !!


End file.
